Thursday, March 28, 2013

I'm sorry I hate you

One thing I’m learning about this entire grieving process is that it’s turning me into someone I really don’t like, someone who is angry and hateful and impatient (ok, well I’ve always been impatient, but never so much with other people).

I don’t want to wish that my best friend would talk about anything but her crazy pregnancy dreams or her baby shower. I don’t want to skip my bedtime prayers because I feel like there isn’t possibly anything I could say to God right now. I don’t want to be Kermit-the-frog-Green with envy when my other best friend finds out she’s having a boy, just what we had all hoped for.

Even more than feeling this way about every possible pregnancy and baby-related thing right now, I’m finding myself more and more angry at the rest of the world, too—for the most absurd of reasons. Things that should be fun—planning bachelorette parties and showers and double-date nights with friends—feel more like a chore than anything else. I don’t feel sorry for someone who complains on Facebook that their biggest problem is an impending cold. The idea of a weekend getaway doesn’t even sound appealing. And today, I spent 2 entire minutes thinking about how much I hated some random woman’s shoes before I realized I was honestly wasting time on such useless, negative energy.

This makes me sound like a troll. Like a bitch. And I feel like I am. But let me tell you.

I do not want to be this person.

I want to be jumping for joy for my friends during this incredibly exciting time in their lives. I want to be excited about fun things coming up in the months ahead. Hell, I want to go on Facebook without fear that someone’s post might cause a breakdown. I want to be happy.

But I feel anything but. I do find myself in moments of contentment—laughing at something with Sean, listening to a song I like on the radio—and it feels nice to feel normal again. But then I remember. I remember that somewhere deep inside, I still feel screwed over, deprived, defeated.

So - to the world and everything or everyone that finds themselves in my path of hatred - I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hate you right now, because I seem to hate everything right now. I hope you know I don’t mean it, that I don’t really hate you, and that whatever this is, it’s coming from a place of such pain and sorrow that it’s not really a reflection of truth. It’s masked by something far greater than anything I can control right now.

I know that this will change. That’s the beauty of time—with it comes healing, even when you don’t realize it. The journey feels so long and slow, but one day it hits you that you’ve come so far. Good things will happen again, and even bad ones too, but you survive. There’s a song that I that I think captures this idea perfectly.

Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish you could get out of it
Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You’ll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear
Moments turn to hours which become years
And now I’m…
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we’ve detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there   (Far From Here, Alissa Moreno)

These moments might feel unbearable sometimes, but over time you learn to live again. Sure, it doesn't go away. But it becomes a part of you, instead of all of you.

I know that someday, far from here, we’ll  be happy. And that hope, that faith, is what keeps me going.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Thankful Thursday

Thank you for the sweet thoughts on Tuesday’s post. It’s much appreciated!

I thought today was as good a day as any to really reflect on everything I have to be thankful for right now. Let’s face it – I think we could all come up with a long list of the things that are really pissing us off right now, but where’s the fun in that? (Actually, that does sound kind of fun.) But let’s stay positive, shall we?

Peaks of spring. We’ve gotten a lot of flowers and plants in the last couple weeks, and they add such nice color to the grey winter that WILL.NOT.GO.AWAY!

Heated seats. Spring has officially arrived and yet it was still single digits when I got in my car this morning. Thank goodness for a car that toasts my buns and heats up rather quickly!

These boys (can you even find Oliver in there?). Let me tell you – they sure know how to take care of this girl when she needs it most. Sean has been my rock. He doesn’t even flinch anymore when I ask him for favor after favor. It’s usually right after he’s just sat down and I need one more thing from the other room, too. And Oliver (I’m sure sensing my fragility) is always by my side, taking good care of his mama.

Friends and family. Yeah, yeah, I know this is so cheesy, but seriously, we're so lucky to have a support system like we do. We've been overwhelmed with constant love, prayers, well wishes - and without it, I just don't know how we'd keep our heads up. I mean, we should all have at least one person you can call in the middle of the day to talk you down from a major meltdown.

Meal planning. A couple months ago we started meal planning a month at a time. It’s been SO convenient knowing exactly what we’re having each night, rather than coming home from work to have the discussion about what we feel like eating and almost always needing to run to the store for more ingredients. And honestly, it’s even more helpful when shit hits the fan and the last thing you want to think about it what to make for dinner. I’m not sure we would’ve eaten anything but cereal or fast food these last 2 weeks if we didn’t have a calendar to go by. I highly recommend it!
One of our favorite new recipes - thanks to Pinterest. Recipe coming soon!

So there's my shot at being thankful (even if I got a few "digs" in there, too). What are you thankful for this week?

Monday, March 18, 2013

Heavy Stuff

So I declared my entry back into the blog world and then the blog sat untouched. I debated coming back at all this time. And if I did come back, I debated whether I’d tell you what’s really been going on.

And then I realized that I’ve actually been wanting to talk about it all along. I’ve been fighting the popular tendency to swipe these kinds of things under the rug. To let them be only a private matter. But to me that didn’t make sense. It’s going to be such a defining part of our lives that it seems silly to not be able to share it with others. So that’s why we started telling a few more family and friends, and why I’ve decided to document it here, too.

So here goes nothing…

A few weeks ago, we found out we were expecting. We had been trying for a while and, honestly, I wasn’t expecting it to have worked this time either. As soon as the word “pregnant” appeared on the first test (and the 4 subsequent ones that followed), we were blown away but instantly fell in love—with the reality of becoming parents, with the tiny little thing growing inside of me.

I tend to have an anxious personality and had no idea how much something like a pregnancy would amplify that. I panicked with every twinge. Googled a million things a day. And waited, very impatiently, for our first appointment.

Then some complications started. I’ll spare you the details, but I was worried. I read 1,000 articles that said this could be very normal, and yet obsessed over the tiny paragraph in every one of them that said “but sometimes it’s not.” The doctors did some blood work and everything looked good, so I tried to let that calm my nerves. But something inside me—whether it was complete paranoia or some morbid form of maternal instinct—knew something was wrong.

We went in for an emergency appointment on a Friday afternoon. And in the glow of a dark ultrasound room, it was confirmed. I had an ectopic pregnancy. I sobbed silently on the table as I apologized to the technician for not being able to hold myself together. She left the room to set us up with the doctor on call and the last little part of me that was still holding it together finally broke.
We moved through the motions in a fog, spending our entire evening in the ER. They decided to monitor me over the course of the next week, which meant more waiting in the midst of our grief. Then, exactly one week later—at almost the exact same time and in the same patient room—the doctor sat down and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t have good news.” I was going to need surgery, immediately.

Within hours the surgery was over and I was recovering in my hospital room in that sickening haze of anesthesia, pain, and disbelief. Right now, the physical recovery has been so dominate that my emotions have taken a backseat. Last week I couldn’t speak of it, couldn’t even so much as think about speaking of it, without breaking down. Those moments are fewer and farther between now, but I can still feel them lurking. I’m not stranger to grief but I have a feeling that this journey is going to be different than anything we’ve ever been through before.

So for now we’re hanging in there. Taking it one day at a time. Praying. All of the things they tell you to do in times like these. And we’re leaning on each other. I know we’ll get through this, together. I know we’ll feel OK again one day. One day can’t come soon enough.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in." -Haruki Murakami

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Bloglovin Bandwagon

It seems to be a common - and smart - theme these days to get on the Bloglovin Bandwagon. So I thought, why not?

If you're on Bloglovin, let's be friends! Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Friday, March 1, 2013

The overdue honeymoon

Somewhere in the middle of my vacation from blogging, Sean and I took an actual vacation, too!
We used to travel together a lot more but hadn’t in recent years, and since we never took our honeymoon, we were definitely due for a fun trip. We laid out all our options and settled on a Caribbean cruise. (If you heard of the nightmare cruise mishap on the Carnival Triumph in early February, that was not us. We were on the same cruise line but a different ship, itinerary, and a week earlier.)
We left on the tails of a bitter cold week so the prospect of sunshine and temperatures significantly higher than zero was exciting. I was a bit worried about the experience. Would I feel claustrophobic? Would I get sea sick? What if we got the flu or norovirus or some other plague while on board? I just didn’t really know what to expect.
But I couldn’t have been happier with how it turned out. The room, though small, was even a bit more spacious than I had expected. The food and service were great on board. And the ship felt so big that we never felt like we were stuck amongst herds of people and we were constantly discovering new nooks and crannies.
We started out with a couple of days at sea, where we spent most of our time lounging in the sun or checking out some of the daily activities (Bingo, live shows, the casino, a comedy club!). I mean, when you describe it like that it sounds perfect for senior citizens (and trust me, there were plenty) but it really is fun for all ages! Three consecutive port days followed - Honduras, Belize, and Cozumel (in that order) - and the trip ended with one final day at sea.
We spent most of  our time in Honduras relaxing on the beach and exploring the island we were on. In Belize, we never even went into Belize City because we took a snorkeling tour and the boat picked us right up from the ship. After a couple hours of snorkeling in the world's second largest reef, we were taken to a private island for kayaking and lounging. The weather in Cozumel was less than ideal - cloudy and a bit drizzly - but since we had more than enough beach time we were content to walk around and shop a bit. Overall, it was a wonderful experience. It was the perfect balance of relaxation, fun, and quality time together as newlyweds.
Now enough of the boring stuff, how about some photos?